Okay, please forgive the dramatic title. I do not really hate males. I have plenty of nice male friends, who i think are great. I have male family members. I work with males. I even have a male boyfriend ! Yes that's right, a male and not a female boyfriend. In fact i am generally happy to coexist with the male species in my life. However, I'd be lying if i said that they don't seem to have some generalised and probably deeply stereotypical traits which, forgive my Scottish, dae my head in! I shall try to clarify these traits without turning this blog post into a misandristic rant.
(1) Their very limited emotional spectrum. Females have a wide variety of different emotions. They can have a 'fat day'. This generally is nothing to do with their current weight, but more to do with how they feel when trying on particular items of clothing, or relating to whether they will go out partying or sit at a friends eating six cans of salt and vinegar pringles in sour cream dip in a baggy t-shirt and a pair of leggings. They also go through several distinct stages during their 'time'. These include feeling irritable, then moody, then snappy, then sad, then lonely, then depressed, and finally with the help of female friends and chocolate, they return back to normal for another month. However males? They feel content or angry. Occasionally sad, when their football team loses. But generally more angry. That is all.
(2) Their lack of comforting skills. So you have a problem. It turns our that your best friend is moving to a new flat. You will no longer be able to nip to hers to borrow her eye lash glue or to have a cup of tea. So you confide in your male friend. And what does he say? He tells you that it's only a thirty minute drive, and that a bus service also runs between where you and she stays. YES I ALREADY KNOW THAT! The problem with males is that they give solutions to problems! Solutions that you already know. What they fail to understand is that you don't want a solution. You just want them to listen to how upset you are, occasionally murmur a 'mmm' and a 'yes', then give you a glass of wine to cheer you up. Is that so hard?
(3) Their obsession with sport. I don't mind a bit of football. In fact i love sport; particularly pole fitness. However, males have a tendency to take this to an extreme level. If you have ever been in the same room as males while they are watching the football, prepare to be entirely ignored. In fact, if you walked into the room naked, it is highly likely that they would wait until half time to glance in your direction. But the problem is - sport never ends. When the 'oh so important' premier league finishes, then the 'also so important' World cup or Wimbeldon or Grande Prix or British Isles cup will then begin. There will always be some super important game on. This is some obsession, which if it wasn't so common would probably be treated my medical professionals as serious. There should be tablets for such things.
(4) Their competitiveness. Okay I'm a bit of a hypocrite here, I'm rather competitive myself. I'm the type of person who will play poker for eight hours just to show the boys who is the best, or who will 'secretly' go in a mood when beaten at chess by her younger sister (which was only ever one time it should be noted). However, males take this to a whole new level. To them, life is a game. They compete to see who is the strongest, who gets the most pulls in a nightclub, who has the fastest growing moustache; anything and everything! They will put their own dignity and morale's to the side when competing with other males, and will most certainly not admit being beaten at anything by a female.
Okay, I'm going to stop now. I think i may have failed my mission to not create a misandristic rant. And I'm sure you are thinking that these traits are highly stereotyped and do not apply to every male. However, they apply to many and simply writing this quasi rant has made me feel better. Now if you don't mind, it's time for a pint of beer and a wee read of nuts magazine.
